I See A Ship In The Harbor.

I expressed a large amount of reservation in posting this, but I feel that I need to tell you this.

I know that I have done nothing but constantly fail you and let you down, and truth be told, you have every reason to be overwhelmingly disappointed in me and my failures. Ok, that's probably overdramatic, but I do feel........no, I won't say that, because I always say that. What I will say is this: I've grown incredibly frustrated. Not at you or anything you've done, but just because I always have these plans of grandeur where I'll come and see you and everything will be happy and sunshine and rainbows and all that, yet something always seems to come along and entirely screw them over. Whether it be weather related, my family needing my car, or any of a number of different factors, the only thing I've been consistant at is not seeing you, and I hate it. I absolutely hate it more than anything. I just wish things could be different, I truly do. Because I know you get angry and frustrated with me not being able to see you and believe me, I do too, but I just.......I don't know what to do. I'm really at a loss of what to do and I feel like a such an asshole for not coming around to see you. And I'm just afraid that if I don't come and see you, I'll lose you for good, but I have no idea what to do. I just wish things could be different in some way.

This is probably really a sappy and sad way to express how I feel, but I really can't think of any other way to express it. I guess I just want you to know that I hate this as much as you do, but I honestly don't know what to do. I'm just getting tired of failing you. It's nothing you've done at all, and I don't hate you or have anything against you. It's just that I'm frustrated, as I said, with how things have gone and my persistant failures towards you.

Part of me wants to just keep all of these thoughts inside because I don't know if they'll do any good, but the other part of me feels that I need to tell you this. I hate knowing that you're upset with me or that I'm failing you or disappointing. I don't want to be that, but I just.......I don't know. I don't know what to do, and it sucks.

Perhaps you were right when you said it might not be meant to work out right now. I want it to more than anything else, but I don't know how.