The Palin-Hammond Reconstruction Union For The Reconstruction of Pompeii
An Examination of the Controversial Plan That’s Causing Controversy
By Jeremiah Jones (actually written by myself and my good friend Drew Osborne. Thanks Drew. :D)
“Leaving just in time, stay there for a while, rolling in the ocean, trying to catch her eye, work hard and say it’s easy, do it just to please me, tomorrow will be different, so I’ll pretend I’m leaving.” These are lyrics from The Strokes song “The Modern Age.” Although they really don’t apply to the situation, they are rather excellent and a very good example of the lyric-writing style of Mr. Julian Casablancas. Now, you’re probably asking yourself many questions at the moment, but we don’t care. The way to change things is not to bother answering petty questions: change is the result of action. Two people are putting this philosophy into action, and those two people are Alaska governor/hottie Sarah Palin and the rhythm guitarist from the Strokes, Albert Hammond Jr. What they’re doing, quite frankly, is revolutionary.
The story goes a little something like this: A volcano erupted and annihilated Pompeii, Italy in the 79 AD. Although since then, it has been found and rebuilt, the formally tortured city still needs our help. According to the insanely reliable resource known as Wikipedia, Pompeii still needs approximately $335 million for all of the necessary fixing-up. That’s why Mrs. Palin and Mr. Hammond Jr. are coming together, though many say it’s because they’re insanely rich and people will listen to them. Suffice it to say, they’re wrong. When asked about what they’re doing, Sarah Palin said, “I’m helping.” Albert Hammond Jr. said, “Me too,” and thus a union was formed.
Upon this formation, formaldehyde, cinder, and ash has been predicted to someday once again lay a beautiful place of Italian dwelling to total devastating waste. When Hitler took control of Italy, if he would have used Vesuvius as a weapon, he could have been even more successful, respected, and feared in his quest for territorial expansion and warfare ideologies in the process of nuclear, chemical, and biological destruction seeing as to how Mother Nature herself can be considered the greatest weapon of all. Unfortunately, his avarice took control of his actions leading to the demise of a powerful, political human being who with proper guidance and ideals could have inspired many followers into bettering the every day world of which we occupy.
This is why Albert Hammond Jr. and Sarah Palin have stepped up to the challenge. They realize the economic importance of reestablishing the once great attraction, and they have taken notice to the new sense of patriotism that could be installed by uniting to help a good cause, empowering them brick by brick to fulfill their true objective: New World Order.
To achieve this N.W.O. that is their ultimate goal, they will have to sacrifice a large amount of their time and money that they could be using to perform shows or hunt caribou. Despite this, Palin and Hammond Jr. are dedicated to the reconstruction of this formally magma-ridden metropolis. “I’m dedicated,” says Palin. “I’ll do it as long as there’s alcohol and cigarettes in it for me,” says the Strokes guitar virtuoso/science and technical enthusiast.
As stated earlier, Pompeii was once a fantastic tourist attraction. Unfortunately, when a super volcano erupts and covers a city in magma and molten lava, people tend to not want to visit anymore. Palin and Hammond Jr. are going to change that. Maybe not, but they’re sure as *expletive deleted* going to try. What is needed to help fix Pompeii is a whole lot of money, hard work, and people who care. Fortunately, Palin and Hammond Jr. have money. Now all that’s needed is people who care and hard work.
What Palin and Hammond Jr. (mainly Palin, because Hammond is busy smoking and sleeping with numerous promiscuous women that he does not have any emotional connection with, but mainly smoking) are proposing is really quite simple. They say that we should ditch the child labor laws. To put it in simpler terms, if you’re a child, you will be aiding in the reconstruction of Pompeii. There will be a child draft, so to speak, and if your name is chosen, then kiss (or hug, if kissing your parents is awkward) your parents goodbye. Oh, by the way, if you refuse to work and your name is called, then bad things will happen. What, we don’t know, but we are certain that something unfortunate will happen to you eventually. If so, you’ll know that karma is seeking it’s vengeance upon you.
Also to help in aiding the half beautiful establishment/half pumice-covered wasteland known as Pompeii, Palin and Hammond Jr. (but mainly Palin) propose placing a tax on all US citizens making less than 1 million dollars a year to help pay for “reconstruction fees,” as Palin commonly calls them. “We need money,” says the governor of Alaska. Hammond Jr. could not be reached for a comment. The tax is, according to the always-correct people on Fox News, expected to be approximately $5000.
Now, this may seem unreasonable and even unfair, and many are grabbing their pitchforks and thinking of starting a revolution against this, but…..you shouldn’t. Think of all of the Pompeiilians you are taking a beautiful city away from. According to Wikipedia (aka “The world’s most reliable resource known to man”) over 2 million people visited Pompeii last year. That’s like two groups of one million people. That’s insane. Just think about this for a second. Two million people. Where do you propose they tour at now? The Eiffel Tower? A coastline in Florida? Jamaica? Well, they are nothing compared to the wondrous wonder of Pompeii.
Palin and Hammond also believe that Mount Vesuvius’ rage being unleashed upon Pompeii, frankly, could have been avoided. “They could’ve sacrificed a couple of humans and the city would be fine,” says Sarah Palin. “Yeah,” says Hammond. So, to prevent this horrifying disaster from repeating itself, Mrs. Palin and Mr. Hammond Jr. are proposing that we sacrificed at least 15 people to the volcano. This seems rather cruel and unusual, but it is strongly recommended that the 15 people chosen to be “sacrificial lambs” should be people who are insane, dying, or generally not liked by many other people. Only once we sacrifice life will life be better for everybody else………..no, scratch that. Only once we sacrifice life CAN life be better for everyone else.
The most controversial part of this plan is that neither Hammond nor Palin is licensed to put this plan into place. Even once they have all of the necessities they need to prepare for the reconstruction of Pompeii, the plan will still have to go through the president and may be denied, but, according to Palin, it’s worth the risk. “It’s worth the risk,” says Palin. “We could fail, or we could succeed,” states Hammond Jr. The biggest thing going for Palin and Hammond Jr. is the fact that both of them have exponential amounts of money, and most people with a brain inside of their skulls trust and respect them at least a little bit. By using this money, as well as money from American taxpayers and other celebrities, Pompeii could be back in full working order by 2020. All that’s needed is the support of the President, which, as we all know, is easier said than done.
With incoming president Barack Obama entering the White House, it is unknown if Palin and Hammond Jr.’s plan will fall into place. During this election season, Palin and Obama did not exactly get along very well. Obama described Palin as a “senseless harlot” and Palin was heard calling Obama a “stupidhead.” It is unknown what Obama thinks of Hammond, but there are reports that Obama was heard blasting “Reptilia” from his private jet after finding out he was victorious in the 2008 election. Hammond has shown large amounts of rage because of his unrecognizing as the “guitarist with the most raw power” in the Strokes, but this has not affected his relationship with fellow bandmates.
Pompeii is truly beautiful city and it would be completely shameful if it were not restored to it’s original non-volcano destroyed state from 79 AD, and, despite Palin’s struggle with the English language and Hammond’s alcohol and smoking habits, the two have only one ultimate goal: reconstructing Pompeii. “We have one goal: reconstruction Pompeii,” Palin was overheard stating to her husband, who may or may not be a figment of Palin’s imagination. “I’m just here because I like to party,” says Hammond.
Who knows though? Maybe Palin and Hammond Jr.’s plan will succeed. Or perhaps it will fail. Both are incredibly optional options that could very likely occur. However, Sarah Palin is currently hunting caribou with her family and supposedly estranged husband, while Albert Hammond Jr. is busy helping record the Strokes’ 4th album. And smoking. When this alliance is reformed, though, you can expect events to occur. And things to happen.
Greetings, and welcome to my blog. I am the main person who operates this blog. Ok, I'm the only person who operates this blog. But I was trying to sound professional. Anyways, this blog's really about nothing. Just my thoughts on whatever comes to my mind. Hope it doesn't suck. Haha.
Peace and love.
Peace and love.