The Beginning of Tales Of Misfortune

Greetings, everybody. So, for those of you who don't know, I've been working on....well, what I can best describe as a "soap opera parody" known as Tales of Misfortune, which is what I chose to name this blog. And, well, it's far from complete. Haha. But I figured I would share the first part of the script with you. So hopefully it doesn't suck.

Enjoy.

Tales of Misfortune!!!
Part One: The Only Thing Better Than a Fish Is A School of Fish

Scene: Ron decides to talk to his father, Steven, about a problem. Flashback!!!

Ron: Hey dad.
Steven: Who the he*% are you?
R: Your son, Ron. You know, the kid who came out of YOUR WIFE!!!
S: Oh, I remember. Here’s 10 dollars for staying out of sight. *hands over money*
R: Well, I appreciate it, dad, but I don’t want your money.
S: And they call me the alcoholic.
R: You know, this is why I don’t ever talk to you! All you care about is beer and women!
S: Now son, that statement is about 73% true. I also care about the starving children in Macedonia and NASCAR.
R: Ok, whatever dude. So, can I talk to you or what?
S: Well, all you had to do was ask! Grab a beer and sit down.
R: Dad, I’m 7.
S: It’s never too early to try something new, Ronnie! Now, what’s the dilly-o?
R: Dad, you’re not a gangster. You work on a farm. You drive a tractor everywhere. Our yard is covered in vegetables!!!
S: Always have to criticize me, don’tcha, kid?!
R: OK, FINE!!!! I’m sorry. Anyways, there’s this kid at school who always picks on me and bullies me around.
S: *cuts him off* Shoot him.
R: Dad!
S: Oh, come on! Like you weren’t thinking the same thing! You see, when I was your age, I had a bullying problem too. This jerkoff wouldn’t quit picking on me! It was always “Stevie likes dudes!” or “Stevie has a mental illness!” or even the simple “Stevie’s a douchebag!” Eventually, he got on my last nerve.
R: What did you do, pops?
S: Well, it’s more like what I didn’t do. The next day, conveniently enough, a lion got out of the zoo. Went right to the kid’s door and mauled him. Honestly, it was pretty disturbing, but he never bothered me anymore.
R: *silence*
S: Yeah….but, hey! I’m sure things will work themselves out! Just stay strong and don’t commit any felonies. You don’t to end up like your old man, do you?
R: F*$% NO!
S: That’s my boy. It’s like my brother Curtis always said: “I’ll take the breathalyzer test if you can hold my beer.” Well, “said.” Human spontaneous combustion took him away.
R: Um…….ok? Thanks.
S: Anytime, soul brother! Catch you on the flip side!
R: Ok, whatever. Bye. *leaves*

TO NOW!!!!

R: Why can’t I have a normal family?
?: *enters* You can have anything you want, kid?
R: Who are you?
?: Well, everyone just calls me…………The Boss.
R: That’s dumb.
The Boss: It’s not dumb. It’s a title of respect and power!
R: No, it’s dumb.
TB: Ok, why is it dumb?
R: I don’t know. It’s just dumb.
TB: Whatever. Anyways, I’m the leader of a secret clan, if you will, of many important people known as the Bottle-Nosed Dolphin Organization.
R: Uh……..it’s really not secret, since you just kinda told me about it.
TB: NO ONE QUESTIONS THE BOSS!!!
R: I did.
TB: SHUT UP! This is exactly why I didn’t have children. If you’re the future, then humanity’s history. *drum fill after a joke*
R: Wow. Where’d you get the drums?
TB: With money, you blasted fool! You can have it too, if you join the BNDO.
R: What’s that?
TB: *smacks forehead* A secret organization. You want in or not?
R: I don’t know. I don’t like being put on the spot like this.
TB: Fair enough. Just remember, we’re not that far away. *evil laugh and exit*
R: Wow. Creepy.

SCHOOL!!!

*bell rings*
Drew: Dude. We better get to steppin’, man. If I’m tardy, that’ll be my 5th tardy today.
Chris: It’s lunch. No one’s gonna care if we’re late.
Nathan: I’m hungry. Let’s just go.
Justin: Not now, Nate. We got to find Ronnie!
Tyler. Yeah, I need to “check” his homework for Science.
Andrew: Wow, when you say it like that, it’s not obvious. *sarcasm*
Ron: *enters* Hey guys.
All: RONNIE!!!!
R: Hey, I got to ask you guys something. You guys hear about a “Bottle-Nosed Dolphin Organization?
Justin: F&%$ no, man.
Drew: You know, I think I read about it once……
All: IN A BOOK!!!! *group high five*
Ron: Wow. That was productive. *sarcasm*
Chris: That’s what she said! *group laughter*
Ron: Ok. Screw it. I’m outta here. *leaves*

CLASS!!

Teacher: ….and that’s why the Union won the Civil War.
Kevin: DONUTS!!!!
Teacher: No, not because of donuts, Kevin. Though they are delicious. *laughs*
*silence*
Teacher: Ahem. Anyways, read Chapter 10 for tonight. *leaves*
Jeff Danger: *stands on desk* Look. I can fly! *falls on floor*
*class laughter*
Ron: *stares at Tangela while a montage of her uber hotness plays in his mind*
Tangela: Ron……..Ron……..RON!!!!
Ron: *snaps out of dream* AH! Oh, hey Tangela.
Tangela: Um…….I noticed you were staring at me.
Ron. Oh…….well, um………I wasn’t.
Tangela: Ok then. Well, what were you staring at?
Ron. Well, you see Tangela, I saw the Yeti outside the window, and I thought it would be extremely important for me to catch a glimpse of it.
Yeti: Hey, this is your problem, man. *leaves*
*bell rings*
Tangela: Well, hey Ron. I gotta go. I’ll talk to you later.
Ron: Alright, bye Tangela. *long pause* I love you.
Tangela: What was that?
Ron: Oh, um…..I said, I…..loathe you.
Tangela: Really?
Ron: Yeah. Go jump off a cliff.
Tangela: YOU ARE A TERRIBLE PERSON!!!!!! *runs away crying*
Jeff Danger: Wowzer, my brother. That was 35 kinds of EXTREME!!!!
Ron: Not now Jeff. I’m really not in the mood.
Kevin: GIZMO!!!!
Ron: *punches Kevin* Let’s just go. *leaves*

LOCKERS AT SCHOOL!!!!

Ron: Jeremiah!!!!
Jeremiah: Ron!!!!
*secret handshake*
J: What’s up, dude?
R: Not a whole lot, man. Just got done with History class. Getting ready to head home.
J: Sweet, sweet. I like that. I’m getting ready to do the same, man.
R: Wait, you don’t have a car do you?
J: Naw. My family doesn’t like vehicles. Or electricity, for that matter. It’s really weird.
R: Yeah, that sucks, dude. Electricity is great, man. You know what runs off electricity? Blenders. Microwaves. Egg beaters!
J: Ron, you realize everything that you’re referring to is kitchen appliances, right?
R: Shut up. My point is that you need to get electricity!
J: I can’t.
R: Why not?
J: Because, I just can’t ok?! Leave me alone!
R: What has gotten into you?
J: I don’t know anymore. *leaves*

Ron: *narrating* I wasn’t sure what to think about anything. The girl I loved rejected me, my best friend hated me, I received an offer to join a secret organization I knew nothing about, and none of my other friends understood me. I was in a no-win situation, seemingly. My life seemingly started spiraling out of control. But I didn’t realize things could get worse. Much worse.


More to be added later.

Much love.

-Creech.