I Want A Girl With Good Dividends.

Alright, short blog this evening, because frankly, I'm tired as a motherf&@$er. Now, you ask "why are you blogging when you could be sleeping instead?" And to that I say..................




Goodnight.





Only joking.

Alright, as I said, I'll keep this brief. Tonight, I had planned to go see the supposed 12:00 premiere (this'll make sense in a few) of the film Dinner for Schmucks with my best friend and a few other friends of mine, but well, let's just say that, long story short, those plans kinda didn't happen. One friend was going with a cousin instead, and the other friend just.........well, wasn't going. So it was myself and two of my friends going to the theater, and super pumped about the movie. So, we get to the theater, and go in. We immediately notice something strange about the movie theater. Mainly that literally almost nobody is there. Regardless of this, we walk in and go to the theater. The guy working there politely (God bless him) tells us that the film is actually TOMORROW evening at midnight and that basically, we were 24 hours early to the film's premiere. We felt like schmucks. So, we did the logical thing after such a thing happened to us: we went and got dinner. Ah, the circle of life.

Well, anyways, we're trying again tomorrow. Hopefully this goes better than tonight. Alas, it was still an interesting night and definitely worth my time. I mean, I'm blogging at 2 in the morning about it, for God's sake. If that doesn't tell you about it, nothing well. But, now, I'm off to sleep. Stay sane, everyone.

Peace and love.

Just Remember To Always Think Twice. Don't Think Twice.

Ah, Billie Jean. Such conflicting lyrics. As the ones that title this evening's blog show. So, random question to start off this blog: is it arrogant of me to assume this blog is funny? Well, I used a tag for this blog titled "funny", which, in turn, is basically indirectly saying that you're going to find this blog amusing. And as the writer, it's my job to live up to that 5-letter tag's standards. So, in turn (that phrase is so cool to me), if this blog isn't funny, then my tag is a lie. However, due to false advertisement, you've read my blog in hopes of finding amusement, which isn't there. And that, my dear readers, is the magic of advertisement.

Yep, I'm improvising. Good of you to notice.

Right now, as I'm blogging, I'm listening to the Ying Yang Twins. I wish I were joking. Well, a friend of mine told me to listen to it, and I feel bad if I don't. Guilt and what have you. So I'm listening to it. It's the song "Salt Shaker." When I hear this song, I imagine a stereotypical rap video with shiny cars, a club perhaps, of course, DEM HOES. So, as I listen to this song, it's as though my home has been turned into a rap video. Bass booming. Cars driving around my house with ridiculous hydraulics. Perhaps a strobe light or two. Suggestive dancing by scantily clad females. Y'know. The usual. I'm trying not to type too loudly in hopes of not waking the bitches. Alas, if the music doesn't wake them, I say I'm doing alright. Moving right along then.

I'm getting decent at this whole ranting thing. I went into this blog without a plan. No set thing to type about, and look at all of that above this paragraph. Beautiful wall of text, is it not? The power of stream of consciousness writing, y'all.

So, for now, I'm going to finish off this blog for now. I'll try to be more persistant with my blogging from here on out. And yes, I'm aware that I say that often, but whatevs. It is what it is. I'll work on it.

Later, and until next time, shake it like a salt shaker:

It Is A.............Road That.............You GO?

She's Lost Control Again.

Good day to you! So, today's blog is going to be happy for a change. Shocking, right. Though the title of today's blog is from a Joy Division song, which is probably one of the most depressing blog. Today's blog is FULL OF IRONY!! WHAT A TWIST!!!

*ahem*

Anyways, lately, I've been watching the show Undercover Boss. Basically, the premise of the show is this: a CEO of the company goes "undercover", so to speak, into the company they work for, and they try to see what the job is like, and then change things about the company accordingly. But, if you've ever seen commercials for this show, they always make a really crappy pun or play on words about the career and how it's not like they thought it would be. Here's an example: "the CEO of White Castle goes undercover, and finds that working in fast food is more than burgers than fries" or something along the lines of that. Well, I've been trying to think of some of my own terrible puns, hoping maybe CBS will use them for the next season of the show. If it makes it to a second season, I mean. It's not a very good show. But anyways, here's one I thought of:

The CEO of Lays goes undercover to find that the job isn't all that and a bag of chips.

Sound good?

I'll be waiting, America's Most Watched Network.

-Creech.

Your Mom Goes To College.

This video needs no explanation. One of the funniest clips, if not the funniest clip, from the film Napoleon Dynamite.

Enjoy.



-Creech.

Doin' Stuff With The Food.

Hello.

So, I recently borrowed the 1st season of Flight of the Conchords from my friend Chris, who is borrowing it from my friend Mitch. Complicated triangle of DVD viewing, isn't it? I'm not sure if that made sense. But anyways, I watched the 1st season of FOTC, and lemme tell ya: it's tremendous. The way they mix their songs in with the hilarious ridiculous stories they have is hilarious. One of the funniest songs on Flight of the Conchords was a song, oddly enough, by a band that isn't FOTC. A band featuring comedians Todd Barry and Demetri Martin, called the Crazy Dogggz (3 g's and a z). You'd likely have to watch the episode of FOTC featuring this song to get the gist of what's going on, but basically:

Todd is a bongo player who Murray, the band's manager, invited to join Flight of the Conchords, but Bret and Jemaine (Flight of the Conchords), want Todd out after he plays ridiculous bongo solos. Eventually, the bands goes to fire Todd, but Todd convinces Jemaine to fire Bret instead. Bret starts a new band with Demetri, a keytar player. The two bands, known as Flight of the Conchords and the Original Flight of the Conchords, play a few gigs together, and then eventually, Todd and Demitri decide to form their own band, called the Crazy Dogggz. They perform the following song, Doggy Bounce. And hilarity ensues:



So, yeah, Flight of the Conchords is great. Check it out for yourself if you can. You won't regret it. Promise.

-Creech.

The Meaning of Life is to Give Life Meaning.

In my journeys across cyberspace, I come across a large amount of things. This video is one of them, courtesy of The Onion:

Enjoy.


Ford Unveils New Car For Cash-Strapped Buyers: The 1993 Taurus

-Creech

This Video Literally Made My Day.

Not much description needed. This is from the show Operation Repo on TruTV. And it's one of the funniest things I think I've ever seen in a long time. Credit goes to Matthew Hayes for finding this and posting it on Facebook. Enjoy.




-Creech

I Felt The Need To Share This.

So, I was scanning the internet, and I found this:

http://www.cracked.com/photoshop_90_the-world-tomorrow-if-internet-disappeared-today/

Basically, it's a contest for Photoshop. You had to Photoshop a picture of what the world would be like tomorrow if the internet was gone. And the pictures are some of the funniest things I've ever seen. Seriously. So, I felt the need to share this with all of you. Enjoy.

-Creech

The Beginning of Tales Of Misfortune

Greetings, everybody. So, for those of you who don't know, I've been working on....well, what I can best describe as a "soap opera parody" known as Tales of Misfortune, which is what I chose to name this blog. And, well, it's far from complete. Haha. But I figured I would share the first part of the script with you. So hopefully it doesn't suck.

Enjoy.

Tales of Misfortune!!!
Part One: The Only Thing Better Than a Fish Is A School of Fish

Scene: Ron decides to talk to his father, Steven, about a problem. Flashback!!!

Ron: Hey dad.
Steven: Who the he*% are you?
R: Your son, Ron. You know, the kid who came out of YOUR WIFE!!!
S: Oh, I remember. Here’s 10 dollars for staying out of sight. *hands over money*
R: Well, I appreciate it, dad, but I don’t want your money.
S: And they call me the alcoholic.
R: You know, this is why I don’t ever talk to you! All you care about is beer and women!
S: Now son, that statement is about 73% true. I also care about the starving children in Macedonia and NASCAR.
R: Ok, whatever dude. So, can I talk to you or what?
S: Well, all you had to do was ask! Grab a beer and sit down.
R: Dad, I’m 7.
S: It’s never too early to try something new, Ronnie! Now, what’s the dilly-o?
R: Dad, you’re not a gangster. You work on a farm. You drive a tractor everywhere. Our yard is covered in vegetables!!!
S: Always have to criticize me, don’tcha, kid?!
R: OK, FINE!!!! I’m sorry. Anyways, there’s this kid at school who always picks on me and bullies me around.
S: *cuts him off* Shoot him.
R: Dad!
S: Oh, come on! Like you weren’t thinking the same thing! You see, when I was your age, I had a bullying problem too. This jerkoff wouldn’t quit picking on me! It was always “Stevie likes dudes!” or “Stevie has a mental illness!” or even the simple “Stevie’s a douchebag!” Eventually, he got on my last nerve.
R: What did you do, pops?
S: Well, it’s more like what I didn’t do. The next day, conveniently enough, a lion got out of the zoo. Went right to the kid’s door and mauled him. Honestly, it was pretty disturbing, but he never bothered me anymore.
R: *silence*
S: Yeah….but, hey! I’m sure things will work themselves out! Just stay strong and don’t commit any felonies. You don’t to end up like your old man, do you?
R: F*$% NO!
S: That’s my boy. It’s like my brother Curtis always said: “I’ll take the breathalyzer test if you can hold my beer.” Well, “said.” Human spontaneous combustion took him away.
R: Um…….ok? Thanks.
S: Anytime, soul brother! Catch you on the flip side!
R: Ok, whatever. Bye. *leaves*

TO NOW!!!!

R: Why can’t I have a normal family?
?: *enters* You can have anything you want, kid?
R: Who are you?
?: Well, everyone just calls me…………The Boss.
R: That’s dumb.
The Boss: It’s not dumb. It’s a title of respect and power!
R: No, it’s dumb.
TB: Ok, why is it dumb?
R: I don’t know. It’s just dumb.
TB: Whatever. Anyways, I’m the leader of a secret clan, if you will, of many important people known as the Bottle-Nosed Dolphin Organization.
R: Uh……..it’s really not secret, since you just kinda told me about it.
TB: NO ONE QUESTIONS THE BOSS!!!
R: I did.
TB: SHUT UP! This is exactly why I didn’t have children. If you’re the future, then humanity’s history. *drum fill after a joke*
R: Wow. Where’d you get the drums?
TB: With money, you blasted fool! You can have it too, if you join the BNDO.
R: What’s that?
TB: *smacks forehead* A secret organization. You want in or not?
R: I don’t know. I don’t like being put on the spot like this.
TB: Fair enough. Just remember, we’re not that far away. *evil laugh and exit*
R: Wow. Creepy.

SCHOOL!!!

*bell rings*
Drew: Dude. We better get to steppin’, man. If I’m tardy, that’ll be my 5th tardy today.
Chris: It’s lunch. No one’s gonna care if we’re late.
Nathan: I’m hungry. Let’s just go.
Justin: Not now, Nate. We got to find Ronnie!
Tyler. Yeah, I need to “check” his homework for Science.
Andrew: Wow, when you say it like that, it’s not obvious. *sarcasm*
Ron: *enters* Hey guys.
All: RONNIE!!!!
R: Hey, I got to ask you guys something. You guys hear about a “Bottle-Nosed Dolphin Organization?
Justin: F&%$ no, man.
Drew: You know, I think I read about it once……
All: IN A BOOK!!!! *group high five*
Ron: Wow. That was productive. *sarcasm*
Chris: That’s what she said! *group laughter*
Ron: Ok. Screw it. I’m outta here. *leaves*

CLASS!!

Teacher: ….and that’s why the Union won the Civil War.
Kevin: DONUTS!!!!
Teacher: No, not because of donuts, Kevin. Though they are delicious. *laughs*
*silence*
Teacher: Ahem. Anyways, read Chapter 10 for tonight. *leaves*
Jeff Danger: *stands on desk* Look. I can fly! *falls on floor*
*class laughter*
Ron: *stares at Tangela while a montage of her uber hotness plays in his mind*
Tangela: Ron……..Ron……..RON!!!!
Ron: *snaps out of dream* AH! Oh, hey Tangela.
Tangela: Um…….I noticed you were staring at me.
Ron. Oh…….well, um………I wasn’t.
Tangela: Ok then. Well, what were you staring at?
Ron. Well, you see Tangela, I saw the Yeti outside the window, and I thought it would be extremely important for me to catch a glimpse of it.
Yeti: Hey, this is your problem, man. *leaves*
*bell rings*
Tangela: Well, hey Ron. I gotta go. I’ll talk to you later.
Ron: Alright, bye Tangela. *long pause* I love you.
Tangela: What was that?
Ron: Oh, um…..I said, I…..loathe you.
Tangela: Really?
Ron: Yeah. Go jump off a cliff.
Tangela: YOU ARE A TERRIBLE PERSON!!!!!! *runs away crying*
Jeff Danger: Wowzer, my brother. That was 35 kinds of EXTREME!!!!
Ron: Not now Jeff. I’m really not in the mood.
Kevin: GIZMO!!!!
Ron: *punches Kevin* Let’s just go. *leaves*

LOCKERS AT SCHOOL!!!!

Ron: Jeremiah!!!!
Jeremiah: Ron!!!!
*secret handshake*
J: What’s up, dude?
R: Not a whole lot, man. Just got done with History class. Getting ready to head home.
J: Sweet, sweet. I like that. I’m getting ready to do the same, man.
R: Wait, you don’t have a car do you?
J: Naw. My family doesn’t like vehicles. Or electricity, for that matter. It’s really weird.
R: Yeah, that sucks, dude. Electricity is great, man. You know what runs off electricity? Blenders. Microwaves. Egg beaters!
J: Ron, you realize everything that you’re referring to is kitchen appliances, right?
R: Shut up. My point is that you need to get electricity!
J: I can’t.
R: Why not?
J: Because, I just can’t ok?! Leave me alone!
R: What has gotten into you?
J: I don’t know anymore. *leaves*

Ron: *narrating* I wasn’t sure what to think about anything. The girl I loved rejected me, my best friend hated me, I received an offer to join a secret organization I knew nothing about, and none of my other friends understood me. I was in a no-win situation, seemingly. My life seemingly started spiraling out of control. But I didn’t realize things could get worse. Much worse.


More to be added later.

Much love.

-Creech.

The Lexicon of Love

As I type this blog, I realize that love is a rather difficult topic to discuss. Frankly, it's nearly impossible. Love has been compared to everything from a battlefield to a journey to suicide. Yeah, love's quite complicated. It's hard to explain. The simple answer to questions involving love is "when you're in love, you'll know it." And, to some extent, that's pretty true. When you love somebody, you'll know it. It just happens.

Frankly, I haven't had the greatest luck with that. I don't have a girl to give me "that little wink every now and then," as Bowflex's Brian Alvarez has. Asshole.

It seems in recent cases with love, I either A) Screw it up in some spectacular fashion, B) have feelings for a girl that they do not have, or C) The girl has feelings for me that I don't have for them. Not to say that all of the girls I've liked are horrible. I've liked some great girls and dated some great girls, but as I sit here as a single man, I think about all of my previous encounters with love, and some have been like watching The Notebook. Others have been like the extra features on a DVD of Blind Date's 1st season.

But, as Rascal Flatts said, "others who broke my heart, they were like Northern stars."

Rascal Flatts sucks.

Strength Training With A Bowflex Home Gym

Ok, this blog is going to get incredibly interesting, methinks. I'd like to take a moment of your time to discuss the Bowflex home gym.

Now, as a.......erm, "larger" male, it seems like I see a substantial amount of commercials talking about diet pills, Jenny Craig, home gyms, work out videos, or some odd combination of any of the 4 previously mentioned topics. However, the commercials that seem to chap my ass (pardon my language) are the commercials for the Bowflex home gym. Well, in particular, one commercial.

For those who don't know, the man's name is Brian Alvarez. And well, I'll just allow this video here to explain why this guy is quite a douche. Around 1:44 is the quote that makes him famous (or infamous, in this case):



So, you gave all of your clothes to your fat friends, eh? Huh. Honestly, I'm not offended or anything by that quote. In fact, it's kinda funny, really. But the fact that Bowflex would even allow that quote to make a commercial of theirs also makes them look pretty dickish as well, doesn't it? Also, there's another quote in there where he's like "my wife gives me that little wink every now and then...." and that damn laugh he does afterwards makes me just want to deliver a fist right to his suckhole. Ok, maybe not. Haha. But it is kinda smug and makes him look like an enormous douche.

If only he were modest like Michael Polinko:



I don't know. Maybe I'm just bitter because girls don't give me that little wink. Or maybe I'm bitter because the man gave me a t-shirt recently. Whatever. Rant over. :D

-Creech